Toilet Paper is Confusing is a still-evolving project.
Perhaps a collection of essays.
Maybe a radio story or two.
An eventual podcast of sorts?

Would you like to help me figure it out?

Literary agents, radio producers, collaborators, potential suitors, or anyone else interested in participating in a rescue effort please e-mail: or

Special Presentation at Nerd Nite Austin Wed. Nov. 13th, 8pm @ the North Door!

I will be giving my very exciting presentation, Toilet Paper is Confusing, at Nerd Nite Austin, TX on Wednesday, November 13th at the North Door! The talk is around 20 mins long, with PowerPoint accompaniment and some vintage examples and various TP-related props. Doors open at 7:30, and the show starts at 8pm, and it […]

Who’s Using What?

Coming Soon! I asked a bunch of my friends to leave me voice messages stating their names, occupations, and the sheet dimensions of the toilet paper in their bathrooms. I noticed something. A whole of them had the same sheet dimensions – which means they were using the SAME brand – and possibly even the […]

Fair Packaging & Labeling Act

Coming Soon! In the Wild West of toilet paper regulation [or lack thereof], there is only one rule.

Lawyer Dan Explains Puffery

Coming Soon! Our toilet paper is the best! Prove it? Nope.

I Blame My Mom

Coming Soon! My mom put me on this path. Coupon cutting, low-price-obsessing, penny-pinching, unit-price-calculating… She enjoys it. It stresses me out.

What is a sheet, anyway?

Coming Soon! Let’s take a whimsical journey through time. We’ll visit bathrooms of the past, present, and… well, just the past and present. Come with me on a journey into the darkest corners of my bathroom cabinet, where fascinating measurements are waiting to be discovered.

My favorite pen: There can be only one. But now there are four.

Coming Soon! Yes, I suck at choice, but it’s not completely my fault. Sometimes it feels like the universe [capitalism] is conspiring against me. Let’s take a quick break from toilet paper to talk about pens, theft, and that awesome barely-squishy pad they give you to bear down on when you sign credit card receipts at restaurants.

I’m not great at social media stuff. If you’d like to stay in touch, please enter your email address below. I won’t send you anything annoying… just very rare updates about, or links to, new essays or episodes when they happen! This project is obviously evolving, so bear with me. Thank you!